UNSUBSCRIBE PROTOCOL
Official Guide to Removing Yourself From Unwanted Email Lists
Document provided as a public service. BenCorp accepts no responsibility for the accuracy, efficacy, or psychological impact of following these instructions.
Locate the Offending Message
Open the unsolicited email. Do not reply. Do not click strange links promising free crypto or eternal youth. Gerald has 11,000+ unread notifications and is not a role model.
Find the Unsubscribe Link
Scroll to the footer. The link is usually in 8pt grey text designed to blend with the void. It may say "Unsubscribe," "Manage Preferences," or "Stop emailing me, I beg you."
Confirm Your Escape
Click the link. Complete any confirmation steps. Some lists will ask why you are leaving. You may write "Karen" in the free-text field. This is always an acceptable answer.
Filter Remaining Recidivists
If messages continue after 10 business days, mark as spam. Escalate to your local HR / Filtration department. Kevin will stress-sweat appropriately on your behalf.